Katie S. 28

My friend Amy firmly believes that God shows special grace to the pregnant woman with a toddler, and after today I think I am inclined to agree with her. Yesterday I was feeling nauseated and exhausted and I petty much stayed in my pajamas and camped out in the house all day. So this morning when I woke up with a bit of energy and my stomach feeling relatively settled, I decided to seize the opportunity and venture out into the world. I showered, dressed and even put on some make-up, and I got Corbin all cleaned up and dressed as well. I put some chicken in the crock pot for the casserole I was going to make for dinner and I packed up the diaper bags with snacks and drinks for both of us. I then loaded a very excited Corbin into the car, remembering also to throw in the stroller and booster seat in case we decided to eat lunch out. Then I climbed into the front seat of the car, turned the key in the ignition…and nothing happened. I tried it over and over again for several minutes, becoming increasingly agitated with each turn of the key, but still nothing. The car had been acting a little funny the last few times I had driven it, and there were some strange things going on with the electrical system, but I guess I had just pushed it to the back of my mind once we found out that we were pregnant.

Finally, after about the 34th time of trying to start my completely unresponsive automobile, I admitted defeat and brought my frantically protesting son back into the house where I promptly burst into tears. After calling Chris and my mother for a little moral support I called the car place and verified that I did in-fact have one free tow a year under my warranty. Then I made an appointment to have the car serviced and I called a tow truck to come and get it. It was at this point, when I was feeling thoroughly annoyed and terribly sorry for myself that the undeserved grace kicked in. Within minutes I had two friends offering to let me borrow their cars or to come and get us and take us on our errands. The tow truck arrived within 15 minutes of my call and the driver was incredibly kind. He allowed Corbin to sit in the front seat of the truck and let him honk the air horn several times, and he showed me how to take the car out of gear when it was dead. We sat on the front porch and watched the entire process of our car being loaded onto the bed of the truck, and I have honestly never seen my son look quite so enthralled with anything in his entire life. He kept smiling and pointing, saying, “tuck! voooom!” over and over again. In-fact the whole experience was so exciting that I think instead of throwing him a birthday party next year we’re just going to have the car towed. About two minutes after the tow truck pulled out of the neighborhood my mother pulled into our driveway. She had rearranged her plans for the day so that she could take her daughter and grandson out on the town. We went to the bank and had lunch at a deli, and we went to a consignment sale down the road where we found a very manly little kitchen set complete with a full baggy of play food. My mother then brought us back home and helped me to sterilize Corbin’s new toys so he would have something to play with while I cooked dinner later on.

Corbin, who was completely tuckered out after his morning adventures, is now napping peacefully. And I am just sitting here with a snack, reflecting on what a lovely morning it was. What had the potential to be a disappointing and rather stir crazy day for both Corbin and I, ended up being an incredibly wonderful time of recieving unxpected and undeserved kindness and grace.

Being knocked up does some pretty strange and unusual things to me early on in the game. Some of my pregnancy indicators are uncontrollable impulses to clean and organize everything in sight, crying at unsentimental commercials and You-tube videos, and acid reflux brought on by eating incredibly bland foods like macaroni and cheese or mashed potatoes. But my sense of smell is by far the most tell tale sign that I may be carrying a human parasite. When I am pregnant I can smell everything! Cutting up a ripe banana for Corbin the other day I actually gagged so much that tears were pouring out of my eyes and I had to run out of the room. I later had to cover my face with a dish towel and wrap my hand in a plastic bag just so I could throw away the peel. I’ve been checking Corbin’s diaper at least 15 times a day lately because I am perpetually convinced that I smell poop. The trash is going out practically empty because as soon as a particle of food hits the bag I am convinced its stinking up the entire house, and poor Chris can’t eat anything other that dry toast and mint tea or I refuse to sit next to him on the couch. Last week he went out for Indian food and I wouldn’t let him kiss me for three days. I seem to remember my super sniffing abilities dying down around the second trimester when I was pregnant with Corbin, but I’m wondering if in the meantime I should try to pick up some extra money as a substitute drug sniffing dog; or maybe I could do quality control in Gordon Ramsey’s kitchen since so many of his chefs can’t seem to smell rancid fish or spoiled cream. Do many other women deal with such a hyperactive odor detector during early pregnancy, or does this heightened sense of smell only manifest in women with prominent schnoz’s such as myself?

My first pregnancy wasn’t easy. I developed hyperemesis gravidarum less than a week after we found out we were pregnant. I ended up being hospitalized for dehydration three times in my first trimester, and I lost at least seven pounds in the first eight weeks. I was on a variety of drugs and pumps to attempt to control the nausea, but nothing really worked. I ended up having to go on short term disability leave from work and I’m not sure that I have ever felt so frightened or desperate than I did during that time. We also found out during our ninth week of pregnancy that I was carrying twins, only to find out in our twelfth that there was now only one baby. My doctor at the time called this ‘vanishing twin syndrome’ and told me that it was actually not uncommon. Somehow those words weren’t terribly comforting to me. God gave me the verses from Proverbs 139:13-16 which read:

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was no hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”

It was in reading these verses that I found the freedom to grieve the loss of one baby, while simultaneously rejoicing in the life of another. I realized that I didn’t have to carry the guilt of never having known that child, because God knew it, fully, completely and intimately.

Anyway, I am telling you all this in an attempt to explain why we decided to tell people about this pregnancy so early. Right now I am only five weeks along, but last time we tried to wait the obligatory 6-8 weeks , and I ended up having to tell some of my closest family and friends from a hospital bed. I know that pregnancy doesn’t always go the way that we think it should, and sometimes things happen that we don’t understand. But I also know that the will of God is sovereign, both in our lives and the lives of our children. He already knows and loves the child that I am carrying more than I possibly ever could. He is knitting together this tiny life inside of me, and he already knows the number of its days. This baby is just as real to God as Corbin is, and knowing that makes this baby real to me too.

So far I am not feeling too sick. I’ve had a few nauseated moments while peeling a ripe banana for my son, or cleaning yogurt off the high chair, and the afternoon heart burn has already started to kick in; but I am still functioning and I am so grateful for that. I know that however this pregnancy goes, his grace will be sufficient for us. But at the same time, I am asking God for good health this time around. Corbin is eighteen months old right now and he is growing and changing so much every day. I can’t stand the idea of missing anything. I want to be the one who rocks him to sleep, who sings silly songs to him and who puts him in time out. But again, I believe that God’s will is sovereign and he promised that he wouldn’t give us anything we can’t handle. I didn’t think that I could get through my last pregnancy, and yet when I look back on it all I know I’d do it all over again if it meant getting to spend even one day with my sweet baby boy. So at this point I am just asking that you please keep all four of us in your prayers, and I promise to keep you updated on how things are going!

For the past couple of weeks I’ve been a bit undone.  I’ve wandered the house searching for Corbin’s shoes for over 20 minutes, and upon finding the shoes discovered that I had also misplaced my keys, wallet and cell phone.  I’ve had a short fuse with my son, an even shorter fuse with my husband, and the dog sees his life flash before his eyes pretty much every day.  I’ve been crying at the drop of a hat, or the hint of a criticism, and I have to make a concerted effort to stay focused while driving because my reaction time seems slower than usual.  This behavior has obviously created a certain amount of fear and discomfort in the Songer household. Chris has been avoiding direct eye contact with me, and Corbin has been calling for Nana rather than Mom when he wakes up from his naps.  Even I have been wondering if perhaps I’ve just finally gone off the deep end, or cracked under the pressures of domestic engineering.  But after carefully reviewing the evidence, and conducting a few tests, I am pleased to announce that at least as of right now, that is not the case.  That’s right.  What is probably pretty obvious to most of you after reading this brief recap of my recent behavior, has finally become obvious to me as well….I am NOT crazy…..I’m just pregnant!