Katie S. 28

I got married in the summer of 2004, and so did about half of the people I had gone to high school with. A month before my wedding I attended a bridal tea for a friend who was getting married the week after I was. I sat next to the mother of another classmate who had been in the ‘inner circle’ of our private school society. I had never really spoken to her before, as I was more of an outer circle girl, but once I asked her about her own daughter’s recent wedding the conversation seemed to flow fairly easily. We chatted politely over sweet tea and chicken salad; she told me about some funny moments that had taken place during her daughter’s wedding, and asked me about my own wedding and when it would take place. I told her that I was getting married on July 10th, and it was at this point that I felt like our conversation chilled a bit. She informed me that that was the wedding day of another inner circle classmate of mine, and asked if many of our guests were having to choose between attending my wedding or hers. I explained that we had very few friends in common and that those we had were going to try to make it to parts of both events. For some reason I was also compelled to add the fact that my wedding had been booked for months before the other girl’s.

This explanation did not seem to pacify my lunch companion as I had hoped. Her expression remained troubled as she wondered out-loud how the well connected woman who was coordinating my ceremony could skip a moment of the far more important event. Okay so maybe she didn’t actually refer to it as that, but I felt like that was what she was implying. The whole time she was speaking I just sat there feeling smaller and smaller, tears of hurt and anger welling up in my eyes, but smiling nervously all the while, so as not to let her know how much her words were getting to me. I felt like she was trying to put me in my place; like she was assigning a value to me, and out of my own insecurity, I was accepting it.

I cannot say for sure whether or not she knew what she was doing. It would be easier if I could just dismiss her as a generally snobby person with a snarky disposition. But the fact of it is, most of our mutual acquaintances would swear that she is just about the sweetest most generous lady you could ever want to know. I have since come to think that in all likelihood, what she actually is is a sinful person with an occasionally arrogant heart, just like I am. After all, I know that there have been times in my life when I have consciously done the exact same thing, not just to acquaintances but to friends, in order to make myself feel superior. The smaller I made someone else feel the bigger I felt, for a moment at least. I’m not proud of that fact, and I would like to think that it happens less and less, but what I would like to think and what actually is may be two very different things.

Its like this theory that I once read about in a Donald Miller book called the lifeboat theory. (this is the name of the theory not the book, the book was called ‘Searching for God Knows What’) The life boat theory basically purports that when we are not receiving our value from Christ, we are constantly vying with one another for a spot on the ‘life boat’. We base our self-worth on how we feel we measure up to those around us, and we need to be better than a certain number of people in order to prove ourselves, thus securing a place in the boat.

I’m terrible at summarizing things and I think I botched that a bit, but the idea is just that even those of us who don’t believe in Christ are still trying to get saved, we’re just trying to do all the leg work for ourselves. Its why we enjoy knowing that we make more money than the family down the street, or that we have the smarter kid, or drive the nicer car. We are all looking for a standard to measure ourselves by and for someone to tell us our worth. And yet the only reward to be found at the top of that yard stick is the satisfaction of a superiority determined by other men and women who are just as fallible as we are. The truth of the matter is this. There is no life boat. Either we have been saved or we haven’t, and it has absolutely nothing to do with who we think we are or how greatly the world esteems us. Its not about having confidence in myself or examining my own value, in fact its not about me at all. I didn’t have to prove my worth to Christ in order to earn my salvation. And when God the father looks at me now, he does not see what I have or have not done or how much I have or have not acquired. What he sees is the blood of his son covering me. This means that I don’t have to bother with trying to prove my worth to anyone else in order to earn the right to be on an imaginary life boat. I have already been rescued.

My recent conversations with God have gone something like this:

Me: God, please show me how to be still before you and to really listen to you. I feel disconnected from you right now, like I’m not really hearing you, and I think that’s probably my ego getting in the way of just shutting up and listening…I mean really listening. So I’m going to just sit here and be still, and listen to your voice.

Me again: Listening and breathing, listening and breathing. I don’t hear anything….oh no, I’ll bet Chris forgot to give Corbin his milk like I asked him to, hold on, I’ll be right back.

Still Me: Okay, I’m back and I’m listening..please speak to me because I’m desperate for your guidance. I want to learn how to listen, really listen, not just think about the stuff I’d like to say when you are finished talking (you know, like I sometimes do when I pray with other people) Did I hear the dryer shut off? Okay clearing my mind, clearing my mind…well how clear can it be when my inner voice is saying, “Clearing my mind?”

And Me Again: Sometimes I’m scared that I’m just listening for a voice in my head that I created. But I know there have been times when I’ve clearly heard you speak, maybe this just isn’t going to be one of them. How about if I start instead? I’ll tell you what’s bothering me and what I think I should do about it, and you just give me some kind of sign if you agree with me, and….

God: Katie I love you

Me: How come when you speak to me you always start with that?

God: Because its true.

Me: Yes but whenever we talk you say that. Its getting so predictable that I’m starting to think you’re just trying to pacify me.

God: I say it because Its all there is Katie. Its the basis for you’re very existence, all that you are or ever will be is because I love you.

Me: But what about all of the things going on in my life right now, I need to talk out some of my issues and I could really use some advice.

God: I love you.

Me: But God, I’m really worried about Corbin, I feel like he isn’t saying enough words, I need to do a better job teaching him.

God: I love Corbin too Katie. He is more mine than he has ever been yours. Do you trust me with him?

Me: Yes Lord, I trust you….but I’ve also been kind of stressed about money, it just seems like we can’t get ahead and I’m worried that we’re being poor stewards of what you’ve given us.

God: My grace is sufficient for you. I love you Katie.

Me: Oh, well then thank you. I love you too Lord. So……..is that it? Is that really all we’re going to talk about tonight?

God: Yes Katie, that’s it. Do you really need there to be more?

Me:……Well……actually, no……….I guess I don’t. None of my concerns really seem that big now, but if it all starts running through my mind again when I get into bed tonight, can we talk again?

God: I love you Katie, and I’m always here.

Me:

I was just sitting here rereading the responses to my last post, and from downstairs the song “You Humble Me Lord” by Nora Jones began to play. (I know, how poetic right? But it seriously did happen) Anyway, it seemed like a fitting title for this post. I am truly humbled by the fact that so many people who I love and respect even bother to read what I have to say. I am truly humbled by all of the comments and kind words of encouragement that have been posted to this blog, and by the opportunity to connect in this way with friends and family who are spread out all over. (I joked with my cousin in BC once that every time I get a comment on my blog its like Christmas morning in cyberspace) But most of all I am truly humbled, beyond words or full comprehension, by God’s incredible abundance in my life. He doesn’t just quench my thirst, He overwhelms me with His grace, and He breaks my heart with His sacrifice.  He doesn’t just provide for my needs, He gives lavish gifts of love, friendship and accountability.  So I just wanted to say thanks to each of you for allowing Him to make you a part of that.

I have been debating all weekend about whether or not I should post this. I get right to the point where I would hit publish, and something keeps stopping me. What is written below is something ugly about myself. Its one of those things that I like to keep hidden from the world, because I fear what people might think of me when they find out how truly sinful I am. I also struggle with the notion that when a believer reveals his or her own sins and weaknesses, it somehow diminishes their credibility in pleading the case for Christianity. And yet I know in my heart that this could not be farther from the truth. In fact it is the existence of our sins that makes the gospel true, necessary and relevant in the first place.  So what follows is one of the countless reasons why I need the blood of Christ to cover me.

I have always had a temper. A bad one actually. When I was a child I used to rip my clothes when things weren’t going the way I thought they should. When I was a teenager I was the source of most of the heart breaking tension, unnecessary door slamming and eruptions of profanity in my parents’ house. As a newlywed I was prone to dramatic overreactions and irrational shouting jags, and now as a mother…well as a mother I have calmed things down a bit, but sometimes I still find myself giving in to frustration.

Last night Corbin was pushing my buttons. It seems like no matter what I do, he and the dog whine constantly between the hours of 4 and 6, right when I am trying to get dinner on the table. By the time Chris got home, my temper was reaching a slow boil. As we were getting ready to eat Corbin started putting the dog’s food into his water bowl. I managed to keep my cool and put him in time-out, (twice because as soon as he got up he went right back to the bowl) but then as we were sitting down at the table I accidentally spilled my drink all over my plate. And that was it. I uttered some terrible words and stormed into the bedroom, slamming the door behind me, and proceeded to scream at the top of my lungs twice, and then fell on the floor crying. I wasn’t mad at Corbin for testing his boundaries, or even at the drink for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I was just mad at me. I was mad that I can’t make things perfect, and mad that I am so weak as to let every little thing get to me. I was mad that I was letting myself fail at the most important job I will ever do. I was mad because I couldn’t see my way ahead, and because I knew that I was once again trying to do this in my own strength.

This is not acceptable behavior. This is not a good example to set for my child, and it creates an unhealthy environment for my family to live in. I feel ashamed. And yet already this morning I’m at the end of myself. There are certain times when I seem to have a much shorter fuse than others. Nothing can be right or good enough, and my entire day is spent building up to the point where I finally boil over. I don’t know what this says about me. Maybe I have a chemical imbalance, or maybe I’m just a terrible person. Maybe I’m just sinful like everyone else, and God is in the process of bringing my dark places into the light. I just know that I don’t want to live this way, or force the people that I love to live with this kind of volatility. Corbin is a child. he is teething and cranky and he is testing his boundaries, just like every other toddler on the planet. I am the grown up. Its my job to teach him what behavior is acceptable and what behavior is not. He is watching my every move, and right now I am setting a terrible example. That being said, I know that I am powerless to change me. I am wretched and wrong to the core. I have no perspective in the midst of my anger. I can only see what is in front of me, and what I am feeling at the time further influences my perception of the world. I need grace, and revelation and sanctification. I know that I need it today, even more than I knew I needed it the day that I asked Jesus into my heart. Thank you God that salvation is continual, that it is not a one shot deal. Jesus said go and sin no more, and yet his blood covers our future sins as well as our past. This means that even someone as wretched as I am can be transformed into His likeness, but also that I CANNOT do it in my own strength.