Katie S. 28

• There are very few people groups for whom I feel genuine contempt.
• Individuals, well sure. But groups, really very few.
• However, first on this terribly short list is a group of people so diabolical, so horribly inconsiderate, so irritatingly selfish in their attempts as self maintenance, that I can barely speak their name without cringing…
• Yes, that’s right. For as long as I can remember I have hated CYCLISTS with a burning fiery passion.
• My sister once dated a guy whose parents owned and operated a bicycle store and were themselves avid cyclists.
• I found this out after I had gone on a five minute tirade about a troop of spandex wearing, engineless egotists who had reduced my speed to a crawl all the way down Hillsboro road.
• Even after the awkward discovery of the young man’s ties to the cycling community, I made no attempts to retract my statements.
• Thankfully the relationship ended soon after.
• One time I saw a cyclist fall off of his bike while he was impatiently weaving in and out of rush hour traffic.
• He wasn’t hurt or anything, but he looked pretty ridiculous lying motionless on the ground with his feet still on the pedals.
• That was a good day.
• Just today a cyclist got me in trouble with my four year old for ‘talking potty talk.’
• Like I had any other choice when some gauntly skinny dude with shaved legs made my trip down Sneed Road take 20 minutes more than it needed to by riding in the exact center of the lane!
• Of course as is the case with most prejudices, there are certain cyclists who are exempt from my rage.
• For example, any cyclist who is operating his ‘vehicle’ on a bike path, in a park or on a wide shoulder of the road is fine by me.
• But the second he impedes the flow of traffic by veering onto any of the narrow winding roads for which Nashville is notorious….HE”S DEAD TO ME!
• I also hate door to door salesmen, but that’s another tirade for another time.

My 28th birthday is this coming Friday and the realization of the impending 3-0 is starting to sink in. My reaction to this is a mix of ‘grrrr’ and ‘ahhh’.

The downside is:

1. I have lost my iron stomach.  I used to be able to eat anything at any time and feel just fine.  We’re talking nachos for breakfast, Sonic chile cheese tater tots at 10:00pm, and an M&M blizzard to top it off at midnight! But in the last year I have started to feel increasingly sick every time I indulge my inner fat chick.  Now anything fried makes me nauseous, anything smoked gives me heart palpitations, and anything consumed after 8pm keeps me up for half the night.
2. I’m gaining weight.  I know…duh.  But I swear I used to be able to eat the above mentioned junk foods and show no noticeable changes.  Well rest assured, those days are WEEELLL behind me.  Last night I tried on a lovely black dress that I wore in a friend’s wedding a few years ago.  I was hoping that I could wear it out for my birthday dinner.  But alas, the dress that was once so loose I could barely hold it up, was now so tight that I couldn’t zip it up past the small of my back.  Is it possible that having babies made my rib cage larger?
3. My memory is fading more and more every day.  This isn’t usually a concern until much later in life, but unfortunately I am genetically predisposed to lose my ever loving mind early.  Its like premature graying or balding…only inside the head. I can’t remember the thing Corbin’s teacher asked me to bring to class last week, the plans I made an hour ago, or the start time of the church service I have been attending for years.  And as for where in the h*** I put my cell phone and keys…forget about it.
4. I never get carded any more.  Which wouldn’t be a big deal at all if not for the fact that my husband, who is two years my senior, still does!

But the upside is:

1. ummm….
2. well,
3. Oh right, I’m all relaxed and stuff about the things that used to totally stress me out and…..wait.
4. Nope, I’m not there yet.

I just performed an astounding feat of skill and finesse.  They said it couldn’t be done.  No one believed I could possibly achieve so vast an accomplishment, so epic a victory…. and at such a young age. But -HaHa- I scoff in the face of adversity! Today, I decided to grab life by the horns and dare to be great.  That’s right…. At approximately 3:00 this afternoon, I baked cupcakes*  for the very first time in my entire life! And whats more, I didn’t burn them. So to all of my critics and naysayers (Jaki), watch out! This girl can bake.

*In the spirit of full disclosure, the author concedes that said cupcakes were made out of a box with considerable assistance from the author’s mother.  The author further concedes that the cupcakes have yet to be iced, but she feels confident that since the icing is also pre-made, the process should, by all accounts, be fairly straightforward.

Naps were a miss for both boys today, so amidst the shouting hysterical shrieking, a bullet point list is the most coherent thing I can eek out:

• I missed a call from Corb’s preschool today.  Apparently during nap time he had a total melt down and wailed uncontrollably for almost an hour.  His teacher tried to call me because she couldn’t talk him down, but I accidentally left my phone in the car (and on silent) when I went in to pick Bennett up at my mom’s house.
• Oops.
• I used to say I was glad I had boys because I didn’t think I could handle all that girl drama…
• Hah! You ain’t seen drama until you’ve seen a Corbin meltdown.  He stops just short of actually rending his garments, and his blubbering covers everything from friends who hurt his feelings to squirrels who don’t have a place to store their nuts.
• If you’re the kind of person who does not respond well to needy (which I am), its really pretty taxing.
• I’ve discovered one sure fire way to redirect his energy in the midst of an emotional eruption.  I start telling him a silly story and leave blanks for him to fill in. By the second or third blank his creative juices are flowing and he has completely forgotten what he was upset about.
• For example, last night when Corbin was melting down in the car I told him about a dream I had in which I was a giant blue pickle. Of course this was totally made up because, ya know, I don’t do shrooms – but he’s really into dreams lately so I knew it would get his attention right away. Sure enough he dove right into filling in the blanks  for what my ears and feet were made of (smaller pickles and cotton candy naturally) and suddenly  the fit was diffused.
• Of course I can’t expect his teacher to stop everything she’s doing in order to make up a silly story for one disruptive kid, so I think we might need to come up with some new coping mechanisms.
• I have a feeling that once he learns to write Corbin’s world is going to become much easier to bear.
• I of all people know that its hard to be a walking ball of constant and conflicting emotion and thought, desperate for an outlet for all of your internal angst…but truthfully I was hoping that I wouldn’t pass on that particular psychosis personality trait.
• Bennett, who had all but given up his pacifiers over Christmas, has suddenly done an about face and become fiercely devoted to a particular paci that is two sizes too small.  Its blue with a white handle and if you try to give him any other paci he spits it out and says yuck!
• He is also showing some major interest in potty-training these days.
• I was hoping to ween him off of the pacifier sooner than this, and not even think about potty training for another six months or so.  But few things in motherhood go according to my plan, so I’m just going to try to roll with it.
• ALL of it.

I think pajamas might be the single biggest hindrance to stay at home mamas struggling to see their own accomplishments.

Example: Today I have changed two diapers, wiped one child’s bottom after a trip to the potty, fed two children breakfast, brushed two children’s teeth, washed a load of laundry, done the dishes, cleaned the kitchen, checked on our tax refund, paid and mailed several bills, finished my Bible study for this week, called to get information on an upcoming dental procedure for Corbin, called to get a second opinion about the upcoming dental procedure for Corbin, secured child care for Bennett while I take Corbin to the aforementioned dental procedure, and arranged a play date for both children for later this week.  And all of this was done before 9:30am.

But just a moment ago as I was mediating some small dispute between the boys, I was thinking to myself, “Man, I really need to get off my butt and accomplish something today….!?”

Maybe my failure to see the value in what I’m doing can be attributed to the fact that my job can be done at home and in my pajamas.  But seriously, I have done more in my jammies this morning than I usually did in a whole day while I was working in a office and dressing in business casual attire.

So what is the answer?  Well obviously we stay at home mamas just need to start wearing business suites and pumps around the house