This morning Chris was telling me what was (supposed to be) a sweet little anecdote about our sons. He described being stopped by a couple in a store one night while I was at work. Apparently they commended him on his bravery for being out all by himself with two little boys, and on how wonderfully behaved they were.
Now perhaps its because I had not yet consumed my first cup of coffee, or perhaps its because I knew that this kind of encounter was becoming a routine occurrence for my dear husband – but either way, something about his little tale didn’t sit right with me.
Of course its not that I don’t agree with the back patters. I completely do. I think Chris is one of the most hands on, actively involved, fearless fathers I have ever met. I think he deserves nothing but accolades for his parenting, providing and general man of the house..ing skills.
The thing that irks me is this: For every one time Chris has taken our children out in public by himself, I have taken them out 20. My full time job is shuttling them around from parks to grocery stores to play-dates to banks to school to recycling centers to party’s to zoos. And not once during that endless string of errands and activities has a single person ever commented on how brave I was for taking those same two kids out by myself!
So this begs the question: what’s with the double standard? Why is Chris touted as some kind of hero for parenting his children while I am at work, and yet while he is at work I am merely doing what is expected? And in the reverse, why is it that when he goes to work he is providing for his family, and yet when I go to work I am neglecting mine? OK, so maybe only a select few people would actually put it that way, but for an insecure mama, a few is all it takes.
I always wear my wedding rings when I serve, and sometimes as I am conversing with a table of guests it comes up that I am a wife and mother. Almost without fail, the first question out of their mouths is, “Oh, well where are your children while you are at work?” And yet colleagues never ask Chris that question when he tells them he is a father.
There seems to be an unspoken assumption (mostly made by women) that mothers should be able to do it all, and yet fathers simply cannot be expected to become proficient in traditionally ‘domestic’ tasks.
This assumption is both insulting to men and inherently flawed. Regardless of your gender, doing it all is incredibly hard. (just ask a single parent!) So I think a family is best served when some kind of agreement is reached, and some delegation of tasks is determined. What we have decided is this: When Chris is at work, childcare is my responsibility. When I am at work, childcare is Chris’ responsibility. And when we are both at work (or at home for that matter) finding or providing childcare is our shared responsibility.
This sharing of the responsibilities is good for our marriage, our finances, and most importantly, our children. It is our hope that they will feel safe and secure knowing that they have not one, but two parents who desire to take on the task of raising and providing for them. Do we handle every situation the same? Of course not. Do we have areas where one is strong and the other is weak? Heck Yea! Chris wouldn’t balance our checkbook to save his life, and I wouldn’t fix a broken garbage disposal to save mine. But at the end of the day we are partners, and to me that is worth so much more than fitting into traditional gender roles.
