I’m stalling right now. I have a big paper that is due tomorrow night and I have totally hit a wall. So instead of researching and writing I’m cleaning windows, scrubbing baseboards…..blogging. This whole school thing isn’t coming quite as naturally as I would have hoped, and the lack of focus is making me edgy. Yesterday I deliberately made a stranger feel like a giant turd because she implied that all good parents who love their children home-school. Or at least that’s what I thought she was implying. I keep telling myself that when the kids go back to school and I have more time to myself it will be better. Then I will have more uninterrupted time to study…or clean. I feel like cleaning is a justifiable excuse for not studying because its a rather large component of my current full time job. Which is really the heart of my issue. Right now I am a full time stay at home mom and a full time student. Next year I will be a full time mom and student with (hopefully) a full time teaching job. And the balancing out of all these terribly important full time tasks seems beyond my ability. When will I find time to study for the three Praxis tests I have to take that are above and beyond my coursework? I dunno. What will I do for childcare next June when my school schedule goes from nights and weekends to every day from 9-5 and my parents will be in Africa? I dunno. How will I work out the details of getting Corbin settled in his first year of Kindergarten, Bennett in some kind of five day a week program where he will be well cared for and challenged, and me in a full time job that satisfies my student teaching requirement, allows me to start paying back my student loans and keeps me on the same basic school schedule as my kids? I. DON’T. KNOW!!!!!
And that’s the problem. I don’t like to start something until I have clearly mapped out each of the ten steps that lie ahead. But this time I just jumped. I felt like I was supposed to do something that didn’t totally make sense. I still feel like I am supposed to do this something. But I had hoped that more solutions would have solidified by now. So many things are out of my hands, and it seems I have no choice but to find peace in the not knowing.
