Katie S. 28

I haven’t felt like writing lately.  Actually I haven’t felt like doing anything lately.  This happens to me at the end of pregnancy.  I get tunnel vision and all I can think or care about is having this baby.  Social situations become overstimulating and I completely lose the ability to multi task.  I am so thankful for my boys right now because they are being so patient and understanding.  My actual due date is May 2 but last week I had to go to the hospital to get checked out because I was already having some pretty painful (but irregular) contractions.  Based on my progress, the verdict is that Bennett could come tomorrow or he could come a month from now.  Patience isn’t so much one of my strengths, but I am trying to enjoy my last few weeks of being the mother of one, and having the option of sleeping through the night.  Here is a picture of Corbin and I at the park last week.  We’re trying to stay as active as possible, which seems to have its advantages because as of my last doctor’s appointment I had only gained 24 pounds as opposed to the 40 that I gained with Corbin.  So that’s pretty much what is going on in my head right now, I’ll try to come up with something less self absorbed to write about next time!

This is a picture of my friend Kari and me last week when I was 32 weeks along and she was 27. Oh, but did I mention that she has two in there!? I can only imagine what a twin pregnancy must be like because just one baby is keeping me up all night kicking my bladder and punching my ribs. I am showing all of the classic third trimester signs right now. I’ve been nesting like nobody’s business, washing Corbin’s old baby clothes, cleaning out every closet in the house and setting up Bennett’s nursery now that Corbin has officially transitioned into his big boy room…Hoo RAY! I’ve also been eating everything in sight and teetering dangerously close to a complete emotional breakdown for the past two weeks. Last night I ate a big bowl of pasta for dinner and then cried for twenty or thirty minutes (not about the pasta though…food guilt isn’t really my thing) after which I ate a large bowl of ice cream, chewed out my husband for something that somebody else did, cried for another thirty minutes and then capped off the evening with a second helping of pasta and a rather large bowl of Captain Crunch. The cereal must have done the trick because I went to sleep just as happy as a lark while poor Chris cocooned himself in the duvet cover and prayed quietly for May to come quickly. Ah the joys of pregnancy!

Today I woke up with so much pressure and pain behind my eyes that I had spots in my vision. I have already finished one round of antibiotics and started on a second, but if anything my symptoms have gotten worse. So I made an appointment with my GP and went in at 11 o’clock, but after spending about one minute listening to me and touching my cheeks in two places he basically deflected responsibility to my OB saying the only other thing he could tell me to do was go to the emergency room (which I’ve already done). But he did tell me that my OB could actually have me admitted to the hospital so that the baby and I could be monitored and get fluids and IV medications to hopefully help break up the infection. So I went home and called my OB’s office and it took me two and a half hours just to get a receptionist to call me back. The receptionist told me that the on call doctor (not my own) said that this was my GP’s job and not theirs. She said that I should just do whatever my GP was telling me to do, even though I had already told her that all my GP had told me to do was get her opinion. So basically no one is assuming responsibility for my medical care right now. I have no idea if my actual OB even knows that I am sick since each of the three times I have called about this I have either been passed off to a random nurse or the on call doctor, and all that my GP can tell me to do is go back to emergency room and hope that they pursue a different avenue of treatment than they did last time…which is highly unlikely since the impression I got from the ER doctor when I was there over the weekend was that they were there to get my immediate pain under control and anything above and beyond that should be overseen by one of my responsibility deflecting doctors. So by the end of the day I still have not actually received any care or attention from an actual physician since I don’t really have a 7 hour stint in an ER waiting room in me right now. If my symptoms get worse again during the night then yes I will go to the ER, but I was always under the impression that the emergency room was reserved for actual emergency cases as opposed to patients whose doctors simply did not want to assume responsibility for their care. After the events of the day I have decided to return to my previous OB (the one who delivered Corbin) even though we will have to pay out of network costs since she doesn’t carry my current insurance(which is the only reason that I switched in the first place).

Now I realize that this all sounds pretty bleak, and I have to admit that there have been times today when I have completely lost my cool and either cried out of pain and hopelessness or cursed out of anger and frustration, but believe it or not I do actually have some good news to report. By around three in the afternoon when I finally got my GP back on the phone after being put off by my OB for the second time, some of the pressure was finally starting to subside. I have now gone 9 hours without a hydrocodone which until now I have needed every 4 hours on the dot, and although the pain is still there it is feeling a bit more bearable. Now this could be attributed to a combination of things. Perhaps the second round of antibiotics I am on is finally starting to take effect, and perhaps all of the crying I did today helped to dislodge some of the built up infection in my sinuses, but I think the greatest contributor to my taking a turn for the better can be firmly attributed to the power of prayer. In the midst of all the frustration and confusion today I got a call from my Uncle Phil Bennett, the man for whom this baby is being named, and he prayed for me over the phone. He also told me that he had people all over the church praying and that I needed to know that both Bennett and I were covered in prayer, covered in love, and covered in the blood of Christ. Phil and so many other treasured friends and family members have held my arms up for me today. My heart had chosen despair and anger but their hearts chose to intercede on my behalf. Today I literally felt myself being covered in prayer. I felt myself being restored, wrapped up and renewed by it, and as I write this I have a peace that I could not have possibly come to on my own. So please keep praying for Bennett and I and for also for wisdom and compassion for whichever doctors do end up treating us during the remainder of this pregnancy.

I spent last night in the emergency room. I have a sinus and ear infection that became so incredibly bad so quickly that I literally could not stand the pain. My entire face, ears and eyes felt like they would explode and my skin was too tender to even touch. The pain was so excruciating that I threw up and was having cold chills and my face was swollen all over. I told the doctor that I have given birth to a nine pound baby without and epidural, and I am not exaggerating when I say that this pain is worse. It took two doses of meprogam (sp?) just to get me down to a 6 on the pain chart. Of course they didn’t give me that until after they did a flu swab of the back of my nose which caused me to scream and cry like a five year old child. They sent me for a CAT scan just to make sure there was nothing we were missing but all they found was an alarming amount of infection built up all over my face. I believe the doctor’s technical term for it was, ‘rip roaring.’ So they gave me a bag of fluid, an IV antibiotic and prescriptions for two more antibiotics to take home, a nasal spray and hydrocodone for the pain. Now here is the irony. Part of why I didn’t want to see the doctor sooner is because I didn’t want take any medications because of the pregnancy. Now poor little Bennett has had just about every kind of drug under the sun hit his system all at once, not to mention radiation from the scan (OK so they covered me with a lead vest but I still would have preferred to not have one at all) and the infection itself which apparently was showing up in my blood levels. So now I’m at home again. In the bed again. Sick as a dog again, and trying not to give in to the worry again. I honestly believe that I have the worst immune system of any pregnant person I know. Anyway, please pray for healing for me and for protection for Bennett. I’ll write more when I don’t feel like I’ve been punched in the face four or five times with brass knuckles.

OK so the first one is a picture of me at 26 weeks pregnant and the second was taken at around 29. I’m posting these because I do have some desire to capture my last pregnancy on film, but honestly I’ve never been big on the pregnant belly pictures, mostly because I’ve never been big on the whole ‘lets commemorate me getting fat’ thing. Truth be told, I’m pretty terrible at being pregnant, and its not just because I am completely bedridden for the first four months. I just don’t seem to experience any of those warm fuzzies that so many women talk about. I don’t glow, I have hot flashes. I’m not emotional, I’m psychotic. I don’t feel feminine and curvy, I feel like a beached whale. And instead of giggling and smiling when I feel the baby kick I have a tendency to get annoyed at the discomfort he’s causing me. In fact, if I’m going to be totally honest here, when Bennett moves and the entire shape of my stomach changes before my very eyes I get this panicky feeling like maybe its not a baby at all that I am carrying but rather some sort of alien life form that is determined to destroy me from the inside out. Those are the times when I get a bit desperate to just ‘get it out’. I get overwhelmed by the desire to be done and to have my body back. I’m pretty big on personal space so having somebody camped out in my abdomen is frankly just too close for comfort. I wonder what that says about me as a woman and a mother. I am absolutely over the moon crazy about Corbin and I get so excited thinking about what it will be like to meet Bennett face to face, but I can’t help but feel like maybe I should be treasuring the experience of being pregnant for the last time. I can get a little sad at the thought of never having another newborn after Bennett, or never giving birth to a biological daughter, but I just can’t seem to muster up any emotion other than relief at the thought of never personally carrying another child.  In my heart I know that pregnancy is a miracle and a blessing, but  I guess maybe the actual process by which this particular miracle takes place isn’t quite as serene and euphoric as I had imagined it would be.

….I’m outnumbered.  It looks like Chris and Corbin have a knack for determining gender in-case anyone else would like to enlist their services for a pre-ultrasound prediction!  We got to see Bennett Christopher in all his manly glory this morning, and it was every bit as magical as it was the first time we saw his brother.  I giggled and got all teary eyed as the ultrasound technician pointed out each of his tiny fingers and toes, and we got to see a beautiful profile picture that I promise to post as soon as Chris scans it in.  I am even more excited than I thought I would be, and I am so thrilled to be able to call the tiny person who kicks my bladder in the middle of the night by name.  I am also exhausted beyond all belief because in the spirit of sibling one-upmanship, Corbin chose last night of all nights to climb out of his crib for the first time.   He of course was just fine but its a bit difficult to get back to sleep after you’ve been awakened by a loud thud followed by hysterical tears.  So on that note I think I’ll take advantage of Corbin’s nap and go have a little doze as well.  Thanks again for all of your prayers and predictions!