I just performed an astounding feat of skill and finesse. They said it couldn’t be done. No one believed I could possibly achieve so vast an accomplishment, so epic a victory…. and at such a young age. But -HaHa- I scoff in the face of adversity! Today, I decided to grab life by the horns and dare to be great. That’s right…. At approximately 3:00 this afternoon, I baked cupcakes* for the very first time in my entire life! And whats more, I didn’t burn them. So to all of my critics and naysayers (Jaki), watch out! This girl can bake.
*In the spirit of full disclosure, the author concedes that said cupcakes were made out of a box with considerable assistance from the author’s mother. The author further concedes that the cupcakes have yet to be iced, but she feels confident that since the icing is also pre-made, the process should, by all accounts, be fairly straightforward.
Corbin is turning 4 on Thursday. By this time next year I will have already sent in his Kindergarten applications. That seems completely preposterous and yet totally reasonable at exactly the same time. Even though I still see my baby when I look into his beautiful face, I also see the incredibly complex and brilliant individual that he is growing into. He has an analytical mind and a sensitive spirit that runs so very deep. My prayer these days concerning Corb is that God would just give me the energy. The energy to respond to at least some of the 300+, “I have a question,” ’s that he throws at me every day. The energy to listen patiently when he is fearful or anxious about something that should be far beyond his comprehension, and (in the very next instant) to watch diligently as he shows me the new Kung Foo move he just invented. With Corbin we are constantly switching gears. He can go from bold and inquisitive to shy and withdrawn in the blink of an eye. And to love him means not only to follow these transitions, but to honor the feelings that cause them.
I can’t begin to imagine what God has in store for our little thinker/nurturer/fighter. How will he weave the complex mix of silliness and intensity that makes our firstborn so captivating? For my part I have absolutely no idea….but I cannot wait to find out.
I’ve not been a very good blogger recently. Maybe its because I let my posts get too long and therefor too daunting to write (and read). So here is a short one to set a new tone.
Chris just got his annual bonus and we are very thankful. It wasn’t enough to replace the 97 Saturn that he drives to work, but it was more than enough to cover any repairs that might need to be done in order to keep our old tried and true ‘rubbermade’ coupe running for yet another year. Since a new car is off the table right now, we might actually get to spend part of his bonus on something fun. And this time I’m not talkin new kitchen counter tops fun, I’m talkin long weekend getaway for mommy and daddy fun!
Our friends Jamie and Chris did this last month and based on how happy and glowy they’re both looking these days, this might just be the best idea ever.
Naps were a miss for both boys today, so amidst the shouting hysterical shrieking, a bullet point list is the most coherent thing I can eek out:
I missed a call from Corb’s preschool today. Apparently during nap time he had a total melt down and wailed uncontrollably for almost an hour. His teacher tried to call me because she couldn’t talk him down, but I accidentally left my phone in the car (and on silent) when I went in to pick Bennett up at my mom’s house.
Oops.
I used to say I was glad I had boys because I didn’t think I could handle all that girl drama…
Hah! You ain’t seen drama until you’ve seen a Corbin meltdown. He stops just short of actually rending his garments, and his blubbering covers everything from friends who hurt his feelings to squirrels who don’t have a place to store their nuts.
If you’re the kind of person who does not respond well to needy (which I am), its really pretty taxing.
I’ve discovered one sure fire way to redirect his energy in the midst of an emotional eruption. I start telling him a silly story and leave blanks for him to fill in. By the second or third blank his creative juices are flowing and he has completely forgotten what he was upset about.
For example, last night when Corbin was melting down in the car I told him about a dream I had in which I was a giant blue pickle. Of course this was totally made up because, ya know, I don’t do shrooms – but he’s really into dreams lately so I knew it would get his attention right away. Sure enough he dove right into filling in the blanks for what my ears and feet were made of (smaller pickles and cotton candy naturally) and suddenly the fit was diffused.
Of course I can’t expect his teacher to stop everything she’s doing in order to make up a silly story for one disruptive kid, so I think we might need to come up with some new coping mechanisms.
I have a feeling that once he learns to write Corbin’s world is going to become much easier to bear.
I of all people know that its hard to be a walking ball of constant and conflicting emotion and thought, desperate for an outlet for all of your internal angst…but truthfully I was hoping that I wouldn’t pass on that particular psychosis personality trait.
Bennett, who had all but given up his pacifiers over Christmas, has suddenly done an about face and become fiercely devoted to a particular paci that is two sizes too small. Its blue with a white handle and if you try to give him any other paci he spits it out and says yuck!
He is also showing some major interest in potty-training these days.
I was hoping to ween him off of the pacifier sooner than this, and not even think about potty training for another six months or so. But few things in motherhood go according to my plan, so I’m just going to try to roll with it.
I recorded these for Chris and wasn’t really planning on posting them, but since its snowing AGAIN and I am already depressed at the prospect of the boys being out of school AGAIN tomorrow….well I just needed a good laugh. He might be mortified when he’s older, but for right now Corb thinks these are pretty funny. So I say, lets all enjoy a good laugh!
I give you – “Corbin after his trip to the dentist”
When you’re standing right around the five year mark of a marriage, 30 seems like it is light years away.
That’s how long my parents will have been married when they celebrate their anniversary this April. 30 years spent loving each other, encouraging each other, disappointing each other, and forgiving each other. 30 years spent determining which ideals to hold onto and which ones to let go. 30 years spent making the same decision day, after day, after day, after day. ‘Today I will choose this person, for better or worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health….’
Its hard to fathom, and yet encouraging beyond measure. There are so few examples in our society of what ‘happily ever after’ actually looks like. The message we receive from Hollywood is that the story is over as soon as the bride says I do. We are left to assume that either things got too boring to mention from that point forward, or that the commitment made at the ceremony was impossible to sustain.
Thank God that doesn’t have to be true. And thank God that there is no formula, no single path that leads to a long and fruitful marriage. Some couples celebrate every holiday, mark every milestone with candlelight and roses. Others simply make it a point to eat breakfast together every morning. Some couples talk all the time, and others enjoy the peaceful silence that comes from being fully known.
I have no idea what path my marriage will take. And truth be told, sometimes I get anxious wondering how we will weather the storms that surely lie ahead. But I believe that the same God who has sustained my mother and father, my aunts and uncles, my in-laws and friends, can sustain us too.
I am honored to have all of you to look up to. Not because you have done things perfectly, or followed some rule book on marriage to the letter, but simply because you are still standing. Broken but together. Allowing God to give you the endurance, forgiveness, patience and passion that you need in order to remain.
Corbin had to have two cavities filled this morning. (Insert overwhelming mother’s guilt here.)
I was not at all happy about the prospects of:
A) Allowing my child to endure the evil dentist drill.
B) Having him sedated in order to make him sit still while said evil dentist drill was being used.
c) Paying close to $300 out of pocket to have him sedated in order to make him sit still for the drill.
But, alas, after consulting two other dentists and forcing everyone from the receptionist to the dentist himself to talk me through every detail, I finally conceded and allowed the procedure to take place.
The cavities were filled without incident, and thanks to the happy happy drugs, Corbin now thinks the dentist’s office is the happiest place on earth. I beleive his exact slurry words were, “Can I livvve here forevvver?”
As it turns out, our firstborn is a bit of a sloppy drunk. At one point during the appointment, he gazed dopily over at the young hygienist and said, “I love you.” He then looked back at me and smirked as he whispered loudly, “I just told that girl I love her.”
The dentist warned me that once we got home, a possible side effect of the drugs might be double vision. So I was only slightly shocked when I was helping him on the potty a minute ago and he exclaimed, “Hey Look! I have two manhoods!…I’m changing into somethin here!”
NEVER do drugs son. NEVER!
And for the love of toothpaste, lay off the juice and let me brush your stinkin teeth so we don’t have to go through this ordeal again.
I think pajamas might be the single biggest hindrance to stay at home mamas struggling to see their own accomplishments.
Example: Today I have changed two diapers, wiped one child’s bottom after a trip to the potty, fed two children breakfast, brushed two children’s teeth, washed a load of laundry, done the dishes, cleaned the kitchen, checked on our tax refund, paid and mailed several bills, finished my Bible study for this week, called to get information on an upcoming dental procedure for Corbin, called to get a second opinion about the upcoming dental procedure for Corbin, secured child care for Bennett while I take Corbin to the aforementioned dental procedure, and arranged a play date for both children for later this week. And all of this was done before 9:30am.
But just a moment ago as I was mediating some small dispute between the boys, I was thinking to myself, “Man, I really need to get off my butt and accomplish something today….!?”
Maybe my failure to see the value in what I’m doing can be attributed to the fact that my job can be done at home and in my pajamas. But seriously, I have done more in my jammies this morning than I usually did in a whole day while I was working in a office and dressing in business casual attire.
So what is the answer? Well obviously we stay at home mamas just need to start wearing business suites and pumps around the house
My husband just posted the following in the comment section of my “Hacked Off” post. It provides a disturbing insight into his brain. Make sure you watch the video. I always suspected something like this was going on inside his head while he pretended to listen to me.
“Cyber villains beware. Armed with my silicone infused weaponry, my terminal of smite and my trusty four legged steed, Bingly, I am a force to be reckoned with! ‘Flash Gordon’ by Queen is playing in the background while I say this.”
I’ve been thinking a lot about marriage and purity lately, and I believe God is in the process of healing my heart from some old wounds that, until recently, I have tried to keep hidden. I’ve made no great secret of the fact that I was not a virgin when I got married. But what I have kept secret, maybe even from myself, is what I long believed that fact said about my relationship with God.
I grew up hearing the gospel. At the age of four I prayed a prayer with my mother, asking Jesus to come into my heart and be with me forever. Then when I was thirteen, I prayed that prayer again. This time with a greater understanding of my need for a savior and a desire to know Him. After that point I began to feel the presence of the Holy Spirit in my life. In the midst of my teenage angst and confusion, some part of me knew that I had an advocate, a redeemer and a friend in Jesus.
I didn’t really date in high school. Boys scared and confused me, and I wrestled with a complex mix of idealism and insecurity. I was enthralled with the epic romances of literature, like Arthur and Guinevere, Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet. The awkward reality of teenage relationships seemed appalling by comparison.
But when I went away to college, something changed in me. I had chosen a school based on where the greatest number of my friends were going, as opposed to the place that felt right for me. I made the choice out of a fear of being lonely, which ironically, is exactly how I ended up feeling even as I was surrounded by familiar faces.
Part way through my first semester I met a boy. I think I knew from the get go that he wasn’t the right boy, but it felt good to be pursued. I rationalized the relationship by saying that I wasn’t looking for forever yet. It didn’t take very long for things to get physical, and as they did I began to distance myself more and more from those friends who I knew would hold me accountable. By the end of my freshman year I had given away the piece of myself that should have belonged to my husband alone. He never even pretended that he loved me, and in my heart of hearts, I never believed that he should.
I returned home for summer break devastated by what I had done. I remember feeling like I had changed into another person. That in a single act I had undermined everything that I was, and worse yet, everything that God had been in me. I asked God to forgive me, but I suspected that I had committed an unforgivable sin and that any relationship I might have with God going forward would be somehow lessened, marred by my great disappointment.
Looking back, I still can’t quite figure out where I got this idea. I’ve shared the loving and gracious role that my earthly father played in this story here before. My parents were both saved as adults, and they were always very honest with me about their respective testimonies. I grew up knowing that I would not lose my salvation (or my parents’ love) because of sin in my life. And although there were certainly individuals in my Christian high school who had implied that premarital sex and substance abuse were somehow bigger sins than say, pride or materialism, there were also a great many individuals who spoke honestly about their own struggles and the faithfulness of Jesus in the midst of their sin.
I suppose the only one who can truly be blamed for my misconceptions during that season is the enemy of my heart. How much must the devil have wanted me to believe that my sins could somehow undo the active power of God’s grace in my life? How delicious it must have been to see me doubt the one thing that rendered him completely powerless over me. But here is the thing. My soul had already been bought and paid for. So no matter how far I believed I had fallen, no matter how fast I tried to run from the presence of my savior, the devil could not win. Let me say that again – HE. COULD. NOT. WIN.
My flesh was weak, but my God was mighty to save. I was and am a terrible sinner, but I was and am clothed in righteousness because Jesus Christ died for me.
So here is the part of the story that I believe God is addressing with me right now. I have long struggled with feelings of shame and regret over the fact that purity always seemed just out of my reach from that point forward. Although my heart did begin to turn back toward God in the years leading up to my marriage, I struggled with the issue of abstinence right up until the day I walked down the aisle. As a dating couple, Chris and I were forever setting and breaking rules for ourselves. And once we got engaged, I feared that God would not honor our union because we could not honor the promises we had made before him. I was first overwhelmed with feelings of unworthiness when things between us were good, and then convinced that we were simply reaping what we had sown when things were bad.
But the beauty of belonging to the Lord is this – I didn’t have to try to change the past or walk in constant shame in order to be in right relationship with God or my husband. All I had to do was trust that mine is a God who forgives and makes all things new. He is in the process of gently revealing the huge chasm that existed between the truth and my perception during that time. My struggles with that particular sin weren’t evidence that I was not truly saved. They were evidence that I was (and always will be) truly in need of the savior who was already mine.
No white dress that I or any other bride has ever worn could be as brilliant as the robes of righteousness that he gives to repentant sinners. I am the pure spotless bride that I always wanted to be. Not because I did anything good or right, but because the passionate lover of my soul fought and died for me. Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy have nothing on a romance like that!
